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Don Simpson's Page


"I'd rather be small and shine than be large and cast a shadow."
 

I Remember
Household Tips
411
Live!
Irish Luck
Helpful Hints
Cartoons
Turkey Song
Bird Flu
Keep This on the Fridge!
Where Did They Go??????
Crabby Old Woman
Old Submarine Sailor
Irishman
Irish Men
Some Very Blonde Jokes
Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven
Heaven Can't Wait

9/10/06:I Remember

Here's to us, one and all
Who heard the message
and answered the call

To break away from the old mainstream
and live our lives on a submarine.
Sub School gave us the chance to pass the test
To declare that we were The Best of the Best.

When we left New London with orders in hand
We all headed out on different courses
for distant, faraway lands.

Some went East coast some went West
But no matter where you ended up,
your first boat's the best.

You reported on board
not knowing what to think
But now you're known to all
as a nub and a dink.

You learn about Tradition
and learn about Pride,
You learn about Honor
and the men who have died,

You learn about the heritage
that's been passed on to you
Because now you're considered
one of the crew.

You study that boat from bow to stern
From the conning tower to the bilges,
it's your duty to learn

Where and what makes that boat go,
how it operates and in what direction it flows
How to charge those batteries and keep them alive
or how to rig the boat for dive

Draw those systems fore and aft,
blow the Heads, Check the draft
These are duties that you must glean
when you live your life on a submarine

When you've learned
all there is to know about your boat
You show 'em you know it,
by your walk through vote

You go before the Qual Board,
card in hand
Where they question and grill you
to beat the band

And when you think you can take no more
They tell you to wait just outside the door.
For what seems like eons, Time stands still
And when they call you in, you feel quite ill!

But they congratulate you for doing so good
And welcome you into their Brotherhood.
Right of passage declares that you must drink your "fish".
And the tacking on process is not something you wish

But you wear those dolphins
on your chest with pride
Because down deep in your heart,
you know you're Qualified.

It seems like yesterday, it seems like a dream
That I truly lived on a submarine

Most Boats are gone, a memory of time
I wonder what happened to that crew of mine?

The Old Boats that are left,
are all museums
And even if you rode 'em,
you have to pay admission to see 'em.

So here's to us, those that remember
Who rode the boats out in all kinds of weather

To those past, present and even the future
To those young, hardy lads who still love adventure

So let's lift our glasses and have a toast
To the memory of those daring young sailors
and their undersea boats.

Dick Murphy IC3-SS
USS Tiru SS-416
(Given at the 1st USS Tiru SS 416 Reunion Charleston, South Carolina
October 29, 2003)
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6/29/06: Check out the handy householdtips on thisWebsite.
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5/08/06: No charge for directory assistance

Phone companies are charging us $1.00 or more for 411 / information calls when they don't have to.
When you need to use the 411 / information option, simply dial 1-800-FREE-411 or 1 800 373 3411 without incurring a charge.
This is information people don't mind receiving - Pass it on.
Works on cell phone also.
Verified as TRUE on Snopes.com.
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1/09/06: Live!

Work like you don't need the money.

Love like you've never been hurt.

Dance like nobody's watching.

Sing like nobody's listening.

Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
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11/09/05: Irish Luck
Subject: Irish Luck - Remember to send it back!

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.

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1/03/06: An Irish Friendship Wish

May there always be work for your hands to do;

May your purse always hold a coin or two;

May the sun always shine on your windowpane;

May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;

May the hand of a friend always be near you;

May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.


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1/03/06: Helpful Hints

How many of these did you know about?

A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed. (hmmmmmm...)

Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.

For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)

To remove old wax from a glass candleholder, put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candleholder out and turn it upside down. The wax will fall out.

Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).

Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.

Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get sharpened this way!

Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! Now, where to put the body? LOL

Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.

Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on.

Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen.

Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.

To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will abso rb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!

To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.

Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. Left over wine? What's that? :)

To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.

Ants, ants, ants everywhere .... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.

Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.

When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and the n pull it off. Scotch tape removes most. Super glue works, too, just a drop.

Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer........

Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China.



Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.

Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Se ltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, and then run the hot water.

(Makes you wonder about Alka Seltzer)

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12/12/05: Christmas Cartoons

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11/07/05: Click here for Turkey Song. Make sure your speakers are on because it has sound! It is too cute not to share.

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11/01/05: Hello Everyone
Most of you know or have heard about the possible bird flu pandemic that may hit this country in the future. As of the moment it doesn't spread from person to person but the world health officials are afraid it might come to that. So here is a tip from a reliable source on what you might do to protect oneself.
1. Stock some canned SOUR KRAUT in your pantry for future use. The sour kraut has an antibiotic that will fight the virus, health officials have already found this out in the countries where lots of people eat kraut and feed it to their chickens.
2. Pick up a few packs of face breathing mask from any paint store or Lowe's, Home Depot or Wal Mart, they are cheap. If the flu pandemic hits this country there will be a shortage of them, so stock up and be prepared.
It only take a few minutes to have these items on hand and may save your life.

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10/11/05: Keep this on the Fridge!

Did You Know That? Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer . Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product was never been advertised for this use. (Note: Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine is not the same..and contains aspirin, which can cause stomach bleeding if you have ulcers.)

Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus... Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Coca-Cola cure for rust... Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure....cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine ... a powerful antiseptic.

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

If you send this to 10 people and only one of them doesn't know about this, then it was worth it

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10/5/05: Where did they go??????

I came across this phrase in a book yesterday "FENDER SKIRTS". A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.

Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted. This floors me.

On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50's, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply"expecting."

Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now. "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.

I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.

Most of these words go back to the '50's, but here's a pure-'60's word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"

Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

I wonder if they still pllay Half-Ball in Boston????



Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a "certain age" would remember most of these. Just for fun, Pass it along to others of "a certain age"

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9/19/05: Crabby Old Woman


When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was believed that she had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Ireland.

The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent, poem. And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the Internet:

Crabby Old Woman

What do you see, nurses?
What do you see?
What are you thinking
When you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman,
Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit,
With faraway eyes?

Who dribbles her food
And makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice,
"I do wish you'd try!"

Who seems not to notice
The things that you do,
And forever is losing
A stocking or shoe?

Who, resisting or not,
Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding,
The long day to fill?

Is that what you're thinking?
Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse,
You're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am
As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding,
As I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten
With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters,
Who love one another.

A young girl of sixteen
With wings on her feet
Dreaming that soon now
A lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty,
My heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows
That I promised to keep.

At twenty-five now,
I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide
And a secure happy home

A woman of thirty,
My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other
With ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons
Have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me
To see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more,
Babies play round my knee,
Again we know children,
My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me,
My husband is dead,
I look at the future,
I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing
Young of their own,
And I think of the years
And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman
And nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age
Look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles,
Grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone
Where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass
A young girl still dwells,
And now and again,
My battered heart swells.

I remember the joys,
I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living
Life over again.

I think of the years
All too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact
That nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people,
Open and see,
Not a crabby old woman;
Look closer . . . see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within . . we will all, one day, be there, too!

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9/14/05: Old Submarine Sailor

An old Submarine Sailor walked into a bar, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the Submariner saw his dolphins and asked, "Are you a real Submarine Sailor?"

He replied, "Well, my father, two brothers and a third cousin were on boats, I've spent my whole life, riding boats. Snorkeling, deep dives, Diesel Boats, Nuclear Power, Med Runs, Northern Runs, FBM Patrols, Arctic Runs, SPECOPS, WESTPACs, Runs to the Caribbean, Halifax, Faslane, Holy Loch, Rota, Guam, 2 day runs, Blue Crew, Gold Crew, the other crew, 90 day patrols, 6 month deployments, been through the ditch, across the equator, under the ice, and up to the pole, Pearl, Yokosuka, Guam, La Madd, Fort Lauderdale, San Juan, tracking ruskies, dodging P-3s, been depth charged, torpedoed, tracked with Active Sonar, detected by SOSUS, built them, decommissioned them, overhauled them, re-commissioned them, been a Blue Nose, a Shellback, Blown from test depth, gone emergency deep, rode Tridents, 688s, 637s, 594's, Skipjack and Franklin class, drug runs, liquor runs, crazy ivans, been in trail, used a steinke hood, been through the tower, dodged Russian air power, fought flooding, fires, reactor scrams, stood watch on the BCP, SCP, ECP, GDU, and TDU. I got dolphins, a combat patrol pin, deterrent patrol pin and a DBF pin tattooed on my chest, THRESHER on my left arm SCORPION on the right, missiles on my back, and twin counter rotating screws on my ass. I've drank beer at the Horse and Cow, Scotch in Dunoon, wine in Naples, puked at Beamans, ate Chili at SUBVETS and I ain't missed a SUBBALL since 1952 so I guess I am a Submarine Sailor.

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old Submariner looked at his dolphins and asked, "Are you a real Submarine Sailor?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."


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7/14/05: Irishman

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

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7/2/05: Irish Men

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?" "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

Q: Why are Irish jokes so simple? A: So the English can understand them.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?" Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?" "No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."

Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife? A: A bachelor.

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners: "The drink has killed millions-- it rots their stomachs and they die in agony. Smoking has killed millions--it coats your lungs and you die in agony. Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed millions..." "'Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right?"


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7/2/05: Some very "Blonde Jokes"

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hellllllllooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

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4/5/05: Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I d! idn' t specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that a nod I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you com e up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
and pass it on to other folk.


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3/26/05: Heaven Can’t Wait

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"


Don Simpson
irexdon@msn.com

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